waiting for the darkroom to build itself …


UPDATE 4.30 am AEST: after a long conversation with a friend by text, (see their notes to me below containing some of the conversation). Following on from that is my understanding of their notes and how i might proceed.

“I have seen this in the extremely feminine women that I have known. They never argue never get into drama. They just fire the man and move on. Something wrong with the situation  gets their attention. They make quick calculations , see the regrettable thing that must be done and do it. Before they make quick calculations, they observe. They observe for as long as their investment in the relationship is justified.

…. If they are working with an older woman, she would have to be extremely feminine. If you are working a lot and being technical, that is not feminine. So you were giving them even more reasons to be unmasculine. A feminine woman never enters the masculine space. She finds masculine men to do it.

….. It was all for what you thought you could gain from him and how he might benefit, vs your actual self-interest in the moment”

how might i proceed?

what is the problem?
and so perhaps i have my answer to the problem. the problem is me. firstly change what i am communicating to individuals who keenly express interest in building, assisting and /or retreating. and most importantly, rather than my waiting for a commitment. and becoming ill with the waiting – as possibility for the darkroom retreat is reduced as each day passes  – for both myself and the others.
i have probably not understood all, yet i will have a stab at it.

I have to make the decisions. I am on my own. how is it up to me?
apparently, it is better to drive this project from my self-interest rather than the self-interest of three individuals, myself included,  together which i have until now mistakenly perceived as as a group –  a group which is keen to benefit asap from this darkrooom yet we demonstrate no able collaboration on the build site as a group.

this is a shock to me, a blow. and as it does not align with my experience of people communing and working towards something which is very important to each of us. as i type this, i have to conclude that i value this darkroom build more than the others – four at the moment. And that i have put myself under a spell of waiting for them to get their act together, so they would not miss the opportunity for retreating …  i could have actively sought assistance elsewhere – if i had woken up earlier – and probably will next week – am not really looking forward to that. ….The spell began to unravel a week ago when i said to another darkroom builder friend that i was more frightened of having an assistant/guardian who was not present than of having no assistant/guardian at all.

i wanted this collaboration so much, that i had simply waited … and waited and waited …
no ones fault. just happened.

lets’ see now if i have broken the spell is broken … .

How do i go about it? How might i proceed?
1.  state clearly to an interested individual, the constraints, requirements, perceived benefits, unknowns etc and if a keen person can work within that, great! if not, decline their offer of involvement. 

2. realise that in building the darkroom, i am in a masculine sphere when males are present. rather than what i thought i was in – a collaborative work space similar to the harmonious artist workspaces that i have experienced for years.
3. consider th idea that there may be individuals who wish to help with the build who have no interest in retreating in the darkroom …. and suddenly the constraints become less – simpler.
4. consider that i might not even get in the darkroom before the time runs out, that i might have lost the last of my savings and get used to the possibility. There – it is out on paper, it can stop rattling around in my head, driving me nuts. I had better get busy accepting that possibility, regardless of my ongoing mighty efforts for almost three years to build a darkroom.

waiting for the darkroom to build itself …

today, i am having a rest from finishing the darkroom …. am now taking painkillers – and i am not into painkillers or chemicals of any kind … yet as from two days ago, i have to … am in pain and exhausted … have been for three months …. doing my best to complete the darkroom asap …. yet, i am exhausted …. what to do? stop …. at least for today.

i am mystified as to the how, the why of my taking so long to build.  for me in my lifetime ability to do stuff easily, efficiently and well except for the last 3 or so years (the last three years, i have made three other attempts at building a darkroom – each time, on my own – this time i have had assistance), this build would have taken 3 weeks …. tops.

the build has taken since early june … and still not ready.  i just put one foot in front of the other … every day …. and work up to 14 hours most days, at a snail’s pace, waiting for my energy to be sufficient, then i speed up for while, continually making errors and having to do the thing again ….  i must have burdened or jinxed myself somehow …. i wish for a miracle … a helper to finish this build with me …

maybe this post will break the spell.

my gestalt teacher used to say, “if something is not working, do something radically different …. jolt yourself”

today, i did not work ….

today, i parked my car inwards instead of backing it ….

do they count? as radically different?

i have had quite a few dark days …. knowing full well that i am in a catch 22 ….. ie if only i can get into the darkroom…. i will be ok …. i will heal …. and then others will benefit from the darkroom also ….

whatever my sin is that is rendering me unable to finish (this darkroom on my own) is irrelevant, as i obviously have not been able to fix/heal whatever is stopping me …

the catch 22 is …. i will heal in the darkroom …. i cannot finish the darkroom on my own in the time remaining to me ….  i need help from someone capable who is keen also for the darkroom.

and now … it is almost reaching the point where even if the darkroom is complete in one week from today, it could be too late. the big beautiful shed in which the darkroom is built is now becoming excruciatingly  hot.  too hot to be inside, as we head for summer.  and soonish, it won’t be the right temperature again, for 5 months …. and so the darkroom will sit there, unused almost complete, completely wasted.

i have had offers of help which encourage. then follows no commitment or something brighter catches their attention.

i love the collaborative setup and i am good at it and generous with all that i am and have, as were my parents.

and now i need help. i cannot do this alone.

yes, it is puzzling …. this inability to get the job done …

i put myself in the hands of god. amen